Ukraine: Far Away But Not Forever

Generally speaking, it is now acceptable to refer to this country as "Ukraine", without using the definite article "the", although it was apparently common up until recently in the U.S. to use it in speaking about "the Ukraine". Because Ukraine is an independent nation-state and not a region, it's more fitting to drop the article.

Things I've Learned in the Last Three Days:

It's hard to paint a house.
Sadie gets nervous when lightning strikes across the street.
I'm going to become a Peace Corps Volunteer (I think; the phone call will be made tomorrow).

Been talking to Dan, and everybody, about getting the invitation. I've mostly just been saying, "I've got some news," and everybody reacts in a different way, according to what they know and believe and assume the Peace Corps to be. My husband Dan got really withdrawn and stressed out for a day or two (that resolved after a good several days of eating homemade chicken dumpling soup and a couple of strategic massages), but by today he'd worked through whatever he needed to work through and was defending the Peace Corps--even to me when I broke down with uncertainty tonight. Our trust is so deep, it's like a well that begins not in the middle of the earth but in a whole new dimension, and it feels like falling, plummeting down that ancient well toward the blue heavens of another world. Yet, I'll believe him. I'll believe me. We can make the world how we can. It's up to us. I believe.

My mom and dad both said the same thing, "The decision is up to you and Dan, we'll love you and support you either way," but then Mom got online right away to learn more. That was Friday night, and then today she informed me of several new facts about Ukraine newly researched. It seems like she's excited, and that makes me feel excited, too. I love hearing more about the country I'm about to serve! Dad told me, "I'm not worried about you--I was never worried about whether you could do it. I'm more worried about Dan, and about you and Dan." I love how it's just assumed that I'm PCV material. I love my family!

Katja called me this morning out of the blue and we went to the Farmer's Market. It was raining cats and dogs, just a good old real Minnesotan downpour, as she put it. We talked and shopped and it seemed like she was really happy for me. I'm so excited, because I'll get to learn a language that's similar to Croatian, and maybe this will make it easier to learn for me down the line. She generously offered to be my liason here in the U.S. for when I need help setting up a resource center or library or anything, in fact, which I really appreciated. She's got great experience with that sort of thing, what with sitting on the board of their co-op for all these years. I just love the fact that she seemed excited for me, too. It's thrilling to be looking forward with such anticipation.

Near the end of our trip, though, I figured out that she thought I'd already accepted the invitation, so I let her know that I was still considering my decision. Despite her earlier enthusiasm, she sobered quickly and made sure I understood that (something along these lines) the Peace Corps was not going to make me who I wanted to be--I would have to do that. She really stressed her belief that the Peace Corps will not fill me up if I'm empty inside, and that I shouldn't give up my community here to try to find satiation in a far-off imaginary community somewhere else. I appreciate her candor and frankness; she has my best interests at heart. And it's really true, I'm going to have to do all the work when it comes down to actually being the Volunteer and serving my host country. What is so hard to express, for me, is how gratifying and liberating the responsibilities of serving in the Peace Corps will be. Dedicating myself to this service is a value I've longed to express, and this is how the Peace Corps will "make me who I want to be".

Doug and Ben haven't said much, choosing instead to smile and listen (as usual). Ben made me reveal my country early, before Dad got back with the pizza, so I know he's interested and happy for me. He seems prepared to see me go. I feel glad that he and Dan work together now. I feel like that's a connection, a support for Dan.

Grandma Marilyn said the same thing that Mom did, that the decision is mine and Dan's to make. I appreciate the lengths my family goes to in assuring us of our independence and capability as a couple. I feel respected and supported.

There's a part of me (however overshadowed by my need to do this, it does exist, and it's a tough little survivor) that doesn't want to leave Dan, to live without him, to spend even a moment away from him. Whenever I express this side of myself, or if I doubt myself, Dan is the most steadfast, solid rock I've ever stood upon. He lifts my chin up and tells me, "You knew this would be hard. But it is the right thing for you to do," looking straight in my eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He's ready to do it. We've discussed and thought and cried about this decision, agonized over all the details, asked ourselves every question we could think of and more, and we're in this together. Every step forward of this journey so far has been taken together. Dan, my husband, my partner, my friend, does have the right and the space to share his reservations, and he will continue to have that for as long as I'm able to provide it. He has shared his feelings with me, and he won't let them stop me from doing this. He's as determined as me to make this work. It's beautiful, more beautiful and amazing each day.

One of the last things Dan said to me tonight before he went to bed was, "When you leave for your orientation, we will have been married for the same amount of time as we will be apart while you serve in the Peace Corps." Two years, three months. Yet another wild coincidence we've discovered on this path. "Is it a long time or a short time?" I asked him. "Waiting is," he said, kissing me on my forehead.

So I'll call tomorrow. It's time to begin.